Sunday, November 8, 2009

13 RULES OF CHEATING

Everyone is bound to cheat on their spouse one time or another. Chance comes to all. Opportunities abound for all to seize. Admittedly, cheating is sweet (stolen bread is sweet). While some will try to remain faithful, a lot more will cheat as the physical attraction wanes. Long term relationships get boring with time. The one-time sweetie will turn sour and will be a big turn off. They just lose that magic that would makes the sparks fly and the heart race like a formula one car. Cheating brings back that energetic spark in ones life. Cheating is inevitable. To cheat is human not to be caught is divine.

Here are a few rules to help you as you cheat.

0. Never ignore your spouse's call when you are out with your lover, much more, never switch it off or cut the line when she calls you.
1. Always let your lover know about your marital status. If you hide your status, your lover might surprise you at a very awkward time.
2. Never promise marriage to your lovers. You can only do so when your spouse passes on.
3. Avoid falling in love with your lovers (this is hard). If you notice that you are falling in love get another lover. If you do fall in love with your lover your spouse will know very fast because it will to show.

4. Be sweet to your spouse when you are cheating. If your spouse demands something, give it to them without being irritated even if it means getting them the moon. Check Nakumatt or Duty Free Shop at UNON orVillage Market as they may just be having a promotion for those who want to get the moon for their spouses .

5. Avoid keeping contact details of your lovers anywhere near home. Phone numbers in diaries or email addresses on receipts is a no no. If you have business cards use these instead and keep them at the office.
6. Never switch off your phone or be protective of it when at home. If a call or an sms comes let your spouse answer the phone for you. You have to tell your lovers not to call you when you are at home. Try to use the company phone for those important calls.
7. Never raise your spouses suspicion. If you say you are going to see a friend that the spouse knows make sure you see the friend first and then proceed to see your lover then return to your friends house, if it is the bar return to the bar. If you lie about being in a certain place and you are not there when a follow up is made then you are screwed.

8. Never let your spouse know all your sources of income. Always maintain a secret account, A sort of CIA operations Account. You need it to finance you covert operations.
9. If you are going to be in a public place always go with a wingman (ormerchie) who is not married.
10. The only time you ever admit cheating is when you are caught red handed. All other allegations "kufwa na no", whether you have cum on your slacks, lipstick on the collar or a used cartridge in the jacket or in the car.
11. Always destroy incriminating evidence before going home. This might include erasing (some) call records, going to the gym to sweat off the sweet perfume. If you drink always rinse off you privates with a beer(preferably the smelliest drink you can find) if you going home drunk.You might just black out in the matrimonial bed smelling of cheap Condoms from Nakumatt (its unmistakable). Remember to always have perfume or deodorant in your car or office make sure it is the same fragrance as the one you regularly use.

12. Whatever you do never neglect your spouse. if you need to buy your lover a RAV4 make sure you get your wife a better SUV such as Honda or anything better than what you get your lover.

13. Never slacken your game in bed (remember a good Whiskey such as Gleinfidic Single Malt or Glod Label helps). Even if you are from havinga sex festival with your lover, always do a repeat performance at home. You might need to act a little to pull it off though.